Friday, March 27, 2015

The Mother Resume

I think it is probably a very good thing that there is no application process for becoming a mom. I mean, I never would have passed even the simplest screening process.  Seriously, I just seem to keep racking up failures in regards to my role as a mom.  I forget things. I yell.  I am impatient. I sometimes set a bad example.  I guess I am human and not the super mom I always wanted to be. I may have to hang up my cape and put away the spandex. SIGH

And yet my very own mother--the woman who raised four completely independent and highly functioning adults--(none of us live in her basement people!) said, "I think your kids are amazing and you are doing pretty well as a mom!"  And I value her opinion a lot because you know she raised four kids and none of us live in her basement (or anyone else's basement for that matter). SIGH.

Alas my siblings and I all have real jobs and real responsibilities and other than occasionally forgetting things and being somewhat disorganized and completely out of touch with modern fashion trends, my siblings and I seem to be doing pretty well.  I guess in the big scheme of things missed show and tells, late arrival to holiday parties and occasional yelling are not that big of a deal, BUT...

still someday I would just like to be able to remember everything going on for just that one single solitary day!  Oh And just once when it is below zero, I would like to be able to find a matching pair of gloves for each of our three kids, on the same day.  Heck, I would even take a pair of mismatched gloves for the proper hands.  Is that asking too much!?

Anyhow, I thought it would be prudent and possibly entertaining to share with you my ever growing resume of motherly qualifications (or lack thereof)... Please do not share this with CPS or any other person of authority as I really don't have time to be interrogated or arrested.  Ain't      nobody got time for that!

So here's my Mother Resume:

Veronica Constantine
7 Motherhood Villa
Blissful Living, BS 00000
867-5309  call me for a good time, (but not if you can't find your homework, snow pants, gloves or other misc. items or if you want to complain.)  I do not know where everyone's crap is and I am tired of all the whining.

Mission:  To survive these child rearing years and make it to retirement-a time when I can read, run, cook, dance, and/or go to the bathroom uninterrupted.

Not sure if it is appropriate to have a picture of Einstein on your resume, 
but whatever it's not like I am going to get hired anyways!

One thing I know for certain is that children are miracles and being a mom a HUGE blessing!

No formal training in early childhood development, education or anything remotely related to children or families or mothering or parenting.

I am an experienced individual in the following motherly areas:
  • Dealing with poop, vomit or other bodily fluids without gagging (or puking)
  • Being resourceful:  I could give MacGuyver a run for his money
  • Forgetting really important stuff 
  • Forgetting that I forgot really important stuff 
  • Being patient (until I hit my breaking point and explode in an ugly display of frustration)
  • Snuggling. Any time. Anywhere.
  • Reading aloud, or being read to, or reading about parenting, or reading about anything interesting
  • Library visits (I have actually mastered this process so contact me for tips)
I am lousy at the following parent-related skills:
Remembering (pretty much anything)
Staying focused (pretty much on anything)
Not yelling (for more than a day or two at a time)

However on the upside I:

Am an experienced C.A.S. (certified ass wiper) extraordinaire!
Have an easy going and resourceful approach to life
Am resilient even more so than the mildew in your bathtub and yucky stuff in your toilets!
Most importantly I have a sense of humor about life...

References available upon request

So one redeeming quality about me and our kids...we roll with life.  I can take myself and three kids on an extended trip with nothing more than the clothes on our backs, a few snacks and some books and we will do okay! No one will freak out!  Sure, we will likely get lost a time or two (or seven), but  we will probably just swing thru a McDonald's drive thru for ice cream and make the best of it!  I will declare it a "Mystery Adventure" and everyone will be no worse for the wear.


PS Mom I am so SORRY for all that I put you through and thank you for helping me on my motherhood journey!

Vern Out

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