Friday, September 30, 2016

Chester's competition

So I visited a friend recently and realized that Chester totally has some competition.  I know shocking right!?  All this time, I falsely believed that Chester was coasting in the lead by miles (or pounds of food) over the competition, and in that moment I realized I was WRONG. Seriously, her freezer was so full that it made Chester look slim, and empty, and barren. Of course, you realize, this is no small task because Chester looks just like this.

  So my friend shall remain unnamed as to protect his or her identity, but I really had to share because until that precise moment in time, I thought Chester was all alone-- way in the lead-- during the freezer food storage olympics, but I stand correct.  Chester has some serious competition.  He may even lose.

SO I don't own a smart phone or a decent camera, plus I wouldn't want someone to identify my friend by providing real pictures of his or her freezer, so this is the closest picture I could find to impersonate my friend's freezer (who is unnamed I might add!).  I know that is crazy that such an impressive freezer lacks a name, but it is true!

Oh and when I went searching for freezer pictures this is the coolest image I found. I want to do this--you know fill Chester to the rim with nothing but popsicles-- just because it is so FUN and my kids would finally think I am COOL!  However, I am a responsible adult so I shall practice some basic self control and not do this...yet anyways.  Maybe if we ever reach our goal to empty Chester, this is how I will fill him up!

And while searching for cool freezer pictures, I came to learn that apparently there is an entire science that is the proper organization of a freezer.  This is very disturbing to me, the fly by the seat of her pants girl that I am.  How can there be so very many images, rules and diagrams to help organize a dadgum freezer!  Ain't nobody got time for that!

Vern out

Friday, September 16, 2016


Yes we are still alive and yes so is Chester, but I swear these appliances are trying to push me over the edge!  They are trying to sabotage my good parenting and wifing skills one catastrophe at a time!

Here's the proof:

In the short 3.75 years we have lived in our house (with all brand new appliances mind you) we have had the following occur:

  • Washing Machine replaced because it died (you read that story some time ago)
  • Stove worked on to the tune of $200 some odd dollars
  • Recent incident with the dish washer (you will hear more about it later)
  • Fridge didn't work and had to be replaced early on as well

So we have appliances that are horrible.  Out-of-Control, that's what we all are.  The appliances. The kids.  The parents. The political commercials.  Out. Of. Control.

So I am just tired...honestly I am just tired...

But a quick update is called for to:

  •  prove we are still alive
  •  allow me to dedicate it to my good friend Mary (yes that is her real name!)
  • account for all the damn appliances!

Roll call

Chester is out of control.  He has so much (mostly processed) food in him right now that we truly do not need to shop until 2018. It is pretty scary actually.

Rita has control issues.  Like my eldest child, she really would prefer if I just let her be in charge, but a vacuum cleaner running our household might not end well. Or maybe it would be an improvement over me... I dunno?!? But it is a risk I am not willing to take.  What if I were out performed by a vacuum cleaner?  That would be scandalous and that's one scandal I am not willing to put my family through!

Victor has actually been helping out despite his retirement because of Rita's control issues and because I always did prefer his vacuuming style.  And because he is kind of cute and talks to be nicely.

Blake the new blender (who replaced Brenda because of an unfortunate near fire incident)  been busy mixing up malts and smoothies all summer long and most recently we've moved on to margaritas!  It is back-to-school season which is pretty much synonymous with margarita/wine/beer season!

Wanda the washer has been working quadruple time. 24/7/362 Yes, she basically works non-stop and with little reward or thanks.  I occasionally sneak her a couple of Blake's margaritas to keep her happy.  Yes I am basically a glorified bar wench to my washing machine!

Ted the toaster is happy, happy happy.  Back to school means he gets to be used again!  For pop tarts, toast and anything else that needs a quick heat up (I don't recommend butter though...I hear it melts and makes a mess).  But Ted he is happy and I have to say I am quite pleased with his performance so far!

Irma She and I are still not on speaking terms.  I realize we have a relationship problem, but I just don't care.  Therapy is not going to help me become an Ironer and it is not going to help her cooperate  with me so...Things are too frazzled to care about wrinkled clothes people.  I am moving on!  I locked Irma up in the cupboard (cell) above Wanda and that is where she may well stay until the day I die.

Dusty the dishwasher is a new character to you, but he has been with us for nearly four years now.  Well he went ahead and had a bunch of error messages and tried to quit working.  So I kicked him and possibly swore a few times and yelled (not while the children were home of course) and then he started working again so Dusty and I are good, but please do not call APS (Appliance Protective Services).  I really don't have time to deal with an investigation right now.

Dusty the dishwasher mug shot!

I think that is all the appliances who have troubled me of recent.  Besides that my five minutes is up!

Mary, thank you for your friendship.  It means the world to me!  And thanks for encouraging me to update the blog.  Lord knows we need it since the last post was in April!

Vern Out