Thursday, September 24, 2015

Eat dessert first

This will be my shortest post ever.

Coincidence?! I think not.  I think God wants us to eat dessert first especially when our stress levels are really high.  That is why a half a batch of no-bake cookies makes me feel better when I have reached my breaking point.  Those cookies toss me into a very angelic food coma unsurpassed to date by any other over indulgence of food.

That is all,
Enjoy your dessert tonight!
Vern out

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I'll cry if I want to

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to!  But I dont. I want to laugh if I want to and since it is my birthday that is just what I plan to do.  Here is the thing about happiness, unless you have clinical depression, it is a choice.  It is a choice people.  Too many people take life WAY TOO SERIOUSLY and are PISSED off all the time and usually about stupid stuff too.  I am married to one of them.  But today I choose happy.  HAPPY!  Even though I am married to a crabby man, I am thankful for him.  He is a great provider, a wonderful father and in so many ways a down right great person.  He is just not very happy usually and it is annoying, but I am happily married.

So what does my never really happy, always kinda grumpy husband do for my birthday!?  He bought me the most unromantic birthday present ever... a new GPS.  I suspect this was more a gift to himself so that I will stop calling him for assistance when I get lost and I thought about getting grumpy about this, but I decided to be happy.  I especially thought about being grumpy when instead of spending quality time with me (when we ended up with an hour of free time. alone. together) and he decided to mount my new GPS to the dash of our van this morning.  I had another idea involving mounting (something other than a GPS I might add), but even then in that instance I thought to myself, Happy. I am going to be happy. Yes I have committed to happy at least for today so here is my super simple, easy peasy, happiness plan...

Step one:

Step Two:
Repeat Step One Repeatedly until the end of the day.

Emergency Happiness Plan
And when it gets really tough I am going to rely on my often shoddy memory* and recall good happy times.

I am going to remember the good times like the last time I was in fact lost...
Even lost I chose HAPPY that day!

Or the time when we caught the monster!  Check it out! That was a HAPPY moment!

I am going to choose to be grateful for what I have, not dwell on what I do not and I am going to have a happy f*ing birthday!

*Evidence of my poor memory is a case study from yesterday. Yesterday.   I left my office inquiring as to who was baking what I imagined in my messed up head to be some exquisite and delicious baked good.  My coworker informed me that she had not whipped up a fantastic delicacy, but that she was pretty sure I was in fact baking a sweet potato.  I had completely forgotten placing said sweet potato in the over over two hours prior.  It was a well done sweet potato, but I ate it.  I am nothing if not resourceful and I refused to let my poor memory lead to wasted food.  And now you all think I have lost it, but I just had to share.  I do have a bad memory, but at least I am happy!

That is all
Vern Out

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

This is not kid friendly, but it will make you laugh!

A quick update on my incredible entourage of appliances.

Chester is still alive and well and stuffed to the gills.  Speaking of gills I am removing a bunch of the bluegills from Chester this weekend for my run club's annual fish fry!  So excited to remove something from Chester; it seems all I do lately is deposit new freezer meals to him!

Brenda the blenda has been retired. She started smoking and I will not stand for that in our house it is a smoke free home, Brenda, get with the program or get out!!

Anyhow, she now hangs out with Victor (retired vacuum cleaner remember!) at our well stocked bar in the basement.  At least it was well stocked when I put her down there last month.  I better go complete an inventory. Once I get out of work, I am heading straight to our bar!  Yes she and Victor hang out often, unless he is gone golfing or fishing and then she is on her own and she drinks dirty martinis.

Irma and I are still not on speaking terms.  She is still a free loading nightmare of an iron and I just can't find it in my heart to forgive her.  Maybe someday. Time heals all wounds.

Ted the Toaster is hard core man. He has been creating wonderful early morning delights for us for nearly ten years now without so much as a complaint, or a missed shift!  The guy is amazing! And when I searched for an acceptable photo to share with you of a toaster of Ted's variety, I turned up a disturbing article about a guy in London who got his penis stuck in a toaster.  Anyhow, here is the closest picture to Ted that I found after picking my jaw up off the floor, saying eww and why??!?! and then laughing hysterically for about five minutes.  If you just must read the gross article here is the link to that recipe  Toasted Penis

As for me and the kids, we are getting back into the swing of things now that we are in the third week of school!  Although we have eaten nothing but leftover camping hotdogs and a batch of baked spaghetti for the past few week so Jeff would probably disagree that we are getting into the swing of things! He is ready for a real meal!

Vern out