Thursday, August 28, 2014

Go the F*ck to Sleep

Parenting is a tough gig.  I have thought about this extensively and even completed a small amount of research on the matter (with a few disturbing findings I might add).  In the interest of time, I will share just my favorite two.  Did you know that beloved children's authors Stan and Jan Berenstein actually wrote a book entitled, "Why Is Mommy Moaning?" And also that a children's book exists that is called, "Go the Fuck To Sleep"?  Until I was researching this tonight neither did I!  I will say that there are occasions when I want to scream at my children to go the fuck to sleep, but I will also add that I have never actually done that, nor do I condone the book of the same title being used as a bedtime story for young children. That would just be crazy, but it may work on teens!

Well despite all my efforts in Research and Development, the best two comparisons I have in regards to parenting are these.  And they are not great comparisons because there really is nothing quite like parenting:  

Theory One:  Parenting is like running a frickin' marathon... without training... and by the way the marathon never actually ends. With parenting, you just keep running and running and running. And just when you feel like the finish line is finally in sight and you finally have a handle on the "routine of parenting" (if such a thing actually exists because for me it feels like parenting changes so often that having "parenting" and "routine" in the same sentence might be a stretch (or possibly a violation of some lesser known law).  Anywho.. In the unlikely event that you start to feel your life is running smoothly and that you have actually developed a somewhat successful parenting routine, something will change in that "routine" and you will find yourself again challenged as a parent. It is just the way it goes so try not to take it personally. We all suffer through this.  It is a rite of passage.  
Me just moments after completing my first actual marathon (26.2 miles) 
and let me tell you parenting is way tougher than that was!

Theory Two:  And the second comparison (which honestly is a tagline I am borrowing from the Peach Corps, but I gave them credit so we're cool) is that "Parenting is the toughest job you'll ever love".  And despite all of the craziness of parenting: The unpredictability,  the cruddy schedule (24/7/365), the lack of pay (or any type of traditional benefits package for that matter), the exposure to bodily fluids and other messy stuff.  Despite all of this, parenting is still the job I love the most. I realize that it is also the most important role I have in life.  I get that and I get that I am blessed with three beautiful, healthy and energetic kids (who need my constant love, attention, support, guidance and maid duties).  So while I am blessed, it is still a challenging blessing at times.  I totally get it and no matter how you slice it parenting is tough.

Sisterhood one of life's greatest gifts!

As a parent of three gregarious kids, these comparisons are both fairly accurate for me and yet still fall short of really describing parenting.   As I work (with my husband) to simultaneously raise these three kids and help them grow up into productive adults while working tirelessly to prevent them from growing up too soon, I am astounded by how fast time is passing. While I am busy worrying about what kind of negative impact I am having on our kids, they are busy growing up faster than lice spreads through a grade school classroom.  And unfortunately that's just life.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about the passing of time so quickly, nor the unfortunate reality that lice routinely spreads through my kid's school.  Someone call the School Nurse!

Anyhow,  I am talking about a whole lot of nothing related to my food situation so I am going to attempt to shift gears.  I make no guarantees, but for the record I drive a stick shift pretty damn well and I used to be pretty good on a tractor.  Here we go!  It might be a bumpy one so buckle up!

Let me start by saying, I by no means claim to be a culinary expert, or even an average chef, or really much of a cook at all, but I do try and once in awhile I get it right.  Tonight was not one of those times. It was really pretty awful.  We had a smorgasbord of random leftover foods out of Frieda the Fridge.  She is kind of like Alexander the Great only instead of conquering the Persian Empire, Frieda conquers our leftovers with military precision. She has no field combat experience, but she sure can properly store just about any variety of excess food necessary.  

Now I don't know everything about everything, but I do know a few things about dinner time at least with my family.  At our dinner table, presentation has a lot to do with how everyone eats.  It sets the tone for the entire meal time.  I can serve up the most disgusting meal ever, and if I do so with a smile on my face and a table that is properly decorated, it will receive rave reviews. I sure dressed up the "Leftovers Smorgasbord" I served up tonight. Check it out! 

 Yes it's a tablecloth (made of fabric not plastic)

 So what if the pear is overly ripe and the chips are stale!
We didn't go to the store and that is what's important!

 You had me at PIZZA~

This table was not up to my 8-year old's strict artistic standards!

Had my 8-year old daughter set the table, it would have been color coordinated, perfectly symmetrical and able to serve the royal family had they unexpectedly stopped by for dinner.  Oh and there would have been balloons involved someway, somehow.  But for Mom, with my limited art background, this is pretty darn impressive and people mostly ate well probably because of the nice tablecloth.  

So alas we are surviving without grocery shopping again, or still, or whatever and hopefully my parenting advice doesn't cause anyone to give up on their parenting aspirations or schedule a vasectomy.

PS The pizza really was leftovers from the feeding of the Friday night set-up volunteer crew at Brainy Day last weekend.  It was not a cheating pizza!

PPS.  This girl's gonna "go the fuck to sleep!"

Vern Out

No comments:

Post a Comment