ON a completely unrelated note

On a completely unrelated note because let's face it that is how I roll, IF I ever write my book, which I swear someday I actually will, these are a handful of the chapters I have planned!  It is like my own little book preview!

CHECK IT OUT!

• What happened to my yellow vacation request slips?
• A bacon lover stuck in a sausage lover family?
• My knight in a shiny egg shaped car
• Die TV (and other stupid electronic gadgets) DIE
• Split personalities and other psychotic episodes!
• Freedom tastes a lot like guacamole
• Portajohns, toilets and everywhere in between!
• Life lessons: how to survive motherhood!
• This is not kid friendly, but it will make you laugh
• The Appliance Alliance and other heroic stories of household victory 
• Snowstaches, mud boots and nature all rock
• A guide to basic woman logic: a gift to husbands around the globe

So Whatcha think?!?  And more importantly, who will buy a signed copy and stop by to visit me when I am out doing my tour across America!?

PS my book will probably have a similar dedication to this guy's masterpiece 

you know only with my family's names inserted in place of his because otherwise it would be weird. And it is going to be more like six years earlier for me assuming I get off my ass and write this book in the next two years!

Vern Out

Food for thought

So I was out on a run with a group of friends the other day and one of them said, "you know what, Vern, you should write about Lunchables on your blog. That would be fun".  Well I believe in giving the people what they want so here it is, Barbara...My view on Lunchables.

Versus

First of all, they are complete crap as far as nutrition goes so if you are delusional and think you are saving your kids from the school lunches by packing them one of these bad boys, you are so WRONG. (To be clear, I am not suggesting that a school lunch is better than a Lunchable merely that a lunchable is not necessarily a better choice either.)  I guess what I am trying to say (poorly I might add) is, they suck equally; School lunches and Lunchables are both EQUALLY AWFUL and HORRIBLE options to feed your children.  However, I realize this is a FIRST WORLD PROBLEM and millions of children around the globe would do better on Lunchables or School Lunches than they are doing on NOTHING and CRAP WATER often laden with microbes that make them ill with dysentery or worse...

This is the horrible reality of this hard, cruel world.  While our children face the challenges of inactivity, obesity and too much screen time, millions of children are dying for a sip of potable water and a few morsels of food. Yet here in America, parents still feel the need to give their kids more. This is very perplexing to me and I don't have it all figured out, I am just pointing out some interesting noticings of mine.  This is one of the world's greatest tragedies in my opinion.  Obesity (and all its related health concerns) is arguably our culture's greatest health challenge while people in places like Haiti and Africa are literally starving to death.  It breaks my heart.  Think about it for a few minutes because I am all about keeping things light, fluffy  and fun on my blog; I am nothing if not carefree and funny, but this issue is a real ISSUE.  Take action to make a difference in the world today.  Instead of spending more quarters in the gumball machine to keep your kids in line at the store, put your change in a change jar and donate it to a developing country through an organization like GLA Haiti or TWP when it gets full.  Every penny counts! EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

Okay enough of that heavy stuff, it's making me tired and kinda hungry. Maybe I will go fetch a QUICK Lunchable!!!  Just kiddin', you couldn't pay me enough to eat one of those!  But seriously, back to the Lunchables. The blessed Lunchables.  I found a really great article you should check out for more details about how Lunchables Suck.

IF you want just the cliff notes version of the article because like me you lack an attention span longer than that of a two-year old on a cotton candy high, this summary paragraph is perfect for you:

     If a big advantage of Lunchables is that they require little thought on the part of the parents, a big downside is that they teach our children that food shouldn't require much thought or that eating needn't be preceded by thinking.  And that's what makes Oscar Mayer's cardboard-clad "meals" particularly tragic.  Besides coarsening kids' palates, they teach kids that shrink-wrapped convenience is the norm, that taking the time to make a sandwich or peel some fruit is a problem that needs an industrial "solution" like Lunchables and that you don't have to think about what you eat at all.

Do I hear an AMEN?
So aside from providing possibly less nutrition than the very box they come in and more sodium than a couple pounds of bacon, Lunchables are also full of sugar, preservatives and other artificial stuff.  And they teach our kids that food comes from a pretty yellow box instead of from mother earth and our dear farmers!  Oh and I bet their shelf life is longer than a bottle of moonshine, or Aunt Rita's fruit cake, or possibly even a pair of leather shoes!  Who knows, with all those preservatives they might out live me!

But wait there's more!  Lunchables are spendy too ya'll; they are downright expensive.  Between 3 and 5 dollars a piece to be exact!  Not only do they pollute our children's precious bodies, but we are spending a pretty penny to do so.  It is truly outrageous and yet on occasion I have served Lunchables to my trio.

Case in Point:  I will share this story with you despite the fact that it is a tad embarrassing for me. I will do this because:

• I trust you... to share it with everyone you know. (How else will my blog go viral)
• I care about you.  (I care about humanity in general, but especially about you!)
• I want to help you feel better about your parenting skills (Trust me, you will!)

Here you go!

My friend--we will call her Patty to protect her identity and so that my real friend is in no way, shape, or form associated with my questionable parenting techniques-- anyhow my friend's daughter was with me for the day.  Patty's eldest child that is and she was helping me and my eldest child during pre-race week at our house (Pre-race week is the week leading up to the 5K that I direct Brainy Day 5k and it is arguably the craziest, most hectic week of the year at our house.  Think Christmas season on steroids and you get an idea of what it's like). So the three of us were cranking out lots of errands, and trail preparations, and box hauling and other manual work.  It was seriously a very productive day, but at roughly 3PM when I realized we had been working for about 6 hours without so much as a water break, I decided to swing through the local grocery store to fetch a quick lunch for the girls.  This decision was based on my fear that CPS or annoying Labor Law professionals might show up to investigate the matter and I really didn't have time to be interrogated or deal with other bureaucratic red tape that day. So in that moment I was responsible and made time to get them lunch. A quick lunch.  And nothing says quick lunch like the Lunchable.  I led the girls to the impressive display of various lunchables and instructed the girls to quickly pick one so we could return to our never ending chore list.  Now because Lunchables are viewed so favorably by children, it took them a LONG TIME to select just the right one. After searching for what seemed like a lifetime, Patty's child piped up with, "this is so cool. I have never had one of these before I cant wait to eat it!" and that my friends is when I nearly lost it.  In that instance, I felt like the worst mom ever.  I wanted to curl up on that disgustingly dirty grocery store floor in the fetal position and cry a pool of self loathing tears.  Honestly my kids have had a Lunchable at least annually, if not bi-annually, since the age of two (To make matters worse, there is probably some choking hazard on them about not being recommended for kids under 3) and here Patty's kid was having never had even one at the ripe age of 9!  How had I failed so miserably as a mom?  It was disappointing and embarrassing for me and made me question my worthiness as a parent. The girls didn't notice my moment of pain and suffering; they were too busy celebrating their selections!  Instead of whining, crying or laying on that dirty floor and throwing an all out tantrum, I am pretty sure I said something like, "welcome to the world of crap food, ugh I mean Lunchables...Bon Appetit! Now, let's get back to work."

THE END

See you feel better about your parenting now don't you? I bet you've never fed Lunchables to your kids either?!

PS This is all just my opinion and some interesting facts that I found regarding Lunchables.  I by no means claim to be a nutrition expert and I clearly do not have time to deal with a law case involving slander I mean I don't even have time for CPS to interrogate me...so take this for what it's worth (cheap entertainment) and enjoy lunch today.

PPS and honestly despite all of this research I have done, I will likely continue to feed my kids Lunchables at least once a year until they turn 18 at which time their food choices are all their own.  I like to think I have taught them to eat mostly healthy with a little bit of unhealthy for good measure. 

PPPS I know I am modeling good physical activity practices for my kids because they still get babysitters so they can go for a run every time they play house!

PPPPS apparently I am losing it more than I realized because I credited Barbara with the inspiration for this post and she claims it wasn't her...to claim credit for this concept please respond to this post or correct me next time we run together whoever you are!!!

Vern Out

Squeaky clean update (let the kids read this one)

A few quick updates:

First things first, Chester underwent emergency surgery!  It was a bit traumatic at the time, but I am so glad we did it.  We were concerned that he was going to actually explode given how full he had gotten the past few months so we called the professionals.

The surgeon removed the following from Chester's abdomen:

• a freezer meal
• four packages of fish
• two frozen pizzas 
• a package of tortilla wraps 
• a loaf of bread
• an unidentified scary looking feather covered item  (I believe my husband actually killed the poor creature at some past date)
• a partridge in a pear tree

And there is plenty more food in there too!  But this recent extraction gives me hope that I may get to the bottom of that freezer yet!

So I broke down and ironed again the other day.  It wasn't pretty and I damaged the kitchen table, again, but I did in fact iron a shirt!  Now in the name of all that is impure and horrible and wrong in this painful and broken, world, ironing, is the worst.  I curse you, Irma the Iron.  Ironing is without a doubt the worst task EVER.

This most recent ironing ambition was done in order to allow my son to have his school pictures in a wrinkle free shirt and to keep my husband happy because he hates wrinkled clothes. I honestly don't mind them, I feel like wrinkled clothes are a way of making a statement to others something to the affect of, "I have better things to do with my time than remove wrinkles from my clothes for your benefit because honestly I don't give a flying "f" if my clothes are wrinkled. The end."  However, I extended grace and compassion to the situation at hand as I knew our son was going to be photographed and the wrinkles captured forever in time via the infamous school picture if I didn't take swift sure action.  I knew I had to iron to avoid an outraged husband in a couple weeks when the pictures come in.  UGH.  What a start to my day.  I ironed.

Oh and then I wanted to quickly share my new housecleaning routine with you because you may find it helpful.  First of all, I have never had a routine pretty much for anything.  I guess I am not really a routine kind of person. I know people say, "kids do best with routine".  And maybe they do, but my kids did just fine without one too.  We are adaptive! My lack of routine goes hand and hand with my lack of order and organization skills. SIGH. However, this is one routine that is working for me despite my lack of ability to do anything remotely structured. So if you find yourself failing miserably as a housekeeper, or feeling like the worst housewife ever, it might be worth a shot.  I mean if you are feeling that way, can things really get any worse?!  And I am actually the worst housekeeper ever so don't worry, that position is FILLED by yours truly.  So here is the secret to mediocre housekeeping....I play 1989 by T Swift every morning as soon as the kids are out the door and I force myself to shake it off and clean until the entire album is done roughly 46 minutes.  So far the results are, in a word, amazing.  I have been vacuuming at least weekly. I dusted the entire house last week (and I don't believe in dusting, but my husband does so it made him happy). I cleaned and organized our closet and the pantry too.  The bathrooms have been cleaned as well and I even scrubbed the toilets!  Seriously, I am becoming a regular old Martha Stewart!  The music makes it fun and I suppose you could substitute in whatever music you wanted for the occasion! However, as for me and my family, we will stick with TayTay.

In conclusion,

Best of luck! I hope my routine works out better for you than it did for this lady.  I pray you don't end up with cooked, dirty socks or bills that get soggy from your dishwasher! Although honestly, other than me ** who actually mails bills nowadays anyways?

**side note: I fear I may be turning into an old lady, as I find myself often annoyed with modern conveniences such as online banking and e-readers.

PS If you hadn't already guessed it, I was the surgeon in this story just call me Vern M.D. from now on!
Vern Out

Eat dessert first

This will be my shortest post ever.

Coincidence?! I think not.  I think God wants us to eat dessert first especially when our stress levels are really high.  That is why a half a batch of no-bake cookies makes me feel better when I have reached my breaking point.  Those cookies toss me into a very angelic food coma unsurpassed to date by any other over indulgence of food.


That is all,
Enjoy your dessert tonight!
Vern out

I'll cry if I want to

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to!  But I dont. I want to laugh if I want to and since it is my birthday that is just what I plan to do.  Here is the thing about happiness, unless you have clinical depression, it is a choice.  It is a choice people.  Too many people take life WAY TOO SERIOUSLY and are PISSED off all the time and usually about stupid stuff too.  I am married to one of them.  But today I choose happy.  HAPPY!  Even though I am married to a crabby man, I am thankful for him.  He is a great provider, a wonderful father and in so many ways a down right great person.  He is just not very happy usually and it is annoying, but I am happily married.

So what does my never really happy, always kinda grumpy husband do for my birthday!?  He bought me the most unromantic birthday present ever... a new GPS.  I suspect this was more a gift to himself so that I will stop calling him for assistance when I get lost and I thought about getting grumpy about this, but I decided to be happy.  I especially thought about being grumpy when instead of spending quality time with me (when we ended up with an hour of free time. alone. together) and he decided to mount my new GPS to the dash of our van this morning.  I had another idea involving mounting (something other than a GPS I might add), but even then in that instance I thought to myself, Happy. I am going to be happy. Yes I have committed to happy at least for today so here is my super simple, easy peasy, happiness plan...

Vern's OFFICIAL HAPPINESS PLAN
Step one:
BE HAPPY

Step Two:
Repeat Step One Repeatedly until the end of the day.

Emergency Happiness Plan
And when it gets really tough I am going to rely on my often shoddy memory* and recall good happy times.

I am going to remember the good times like the last time I was in fact lost...

Even lost I chose HAPPY that day!

Or the time when we caught the monster!  Check it out! That was a HAPPY moment!

I am going to choose to be grateful for what I have, not dwell on what I do not and I am going to have a happy f*ing birthday!


*Evidence of my poor memory is a case study from yesterday. Yesterday.   I left my office inquiring as to who was baking what I imagined in my messed up head to be some exquisite and delicious baked good.  My coworker informed me that she had not whipped up a fantastic delicacy, but that she was pretty sure I was in fact baking a sweet potato.  I had completely forgotten placing said sweet potato in the over over two hours prior.  It was a well done sweet potato, but I ate it.  I am nothing if not resourceful and I refused to let my poor memory lead to wasted food.  And now you all think I have lost it, but I just had to share.  I do have a bad memory, but at least I am happy!

That is all
Vern Out

This is not kid friendly, but it will make you laugh!

A quick update on my incredible entourage of appliances.

Chester is still alive and well and stuffed to the gills.  Speaking of gills I am removing a bunch of the bluegills from Chester this weekend for my run club's annual fish fry!  So excited to remove something from Chester; it seems all I do lately is deposit new freezer meals to him!

Brenda the blenda has been retired. She started smoking and I will not stand for that in our house it is a smoke free home, Brenda, get with the program or get out!!

Anyhow, she now hangs out with Victor (retired vacuum cleaner remember!) at our well stocked bar in the basement.  At least it was well stocked when I put her down there last month.  I better go complete an inventory. Once I get out of work, I am heading straight to our bar!  Yes she and Victor hang out often, unless he is gone golfing or fishing and then she is on her own and she drinks dirty martinis.

Irma and I are still not on speaking terms.  She is still a free loading nightmare of an iron and I just can't find it in my heart to forgive her.  Maybe someday. Time heals all wounds.

Ted the Toaster is hard core man. He has been creating wonderful early morning delights for us for nearly ten years now without so much as a complaint, or a missed shift!  The guy is amazing! And when I searched for an acceptable photo to share with you of a toaster of Ted's variety, I turned up a disturbing article about a guy in London who got his penis stuck in a toaster.  Anyhow, here is the closest picture to Ted that I found after picking my jaw up off the floor, saying eww and why??!?! and then laughing hysterically for about five minutes.  If you just must read the gross article here is the link to that recipe  Toasted Penis

As for me and the kids, we are getting back into the swing of things now that we are in the third week of school!  Although we have eaten nothing but leftover camping hotdogs and a batch of baked spaghetti for the past few week so Jeff would probably disagree that we are getting into the swing of things! He is ready for a real meal!



Vern out

Music makes me happy

I was at Taylor's Chicago concert Saturday and she talked about how music can make us feel happier and inspire people and it is so TRUE! She is so wise and humble!  I truly felt like she was talking to me when she shared her insight with the crowd of 50,000+ at Soldier Field!

This picture makes me smile.  It lights up my soul and just makes me feel happy all over! HAPPY!!! I guess maybe, just maybe, I am obsessed.  I really LOVE both of their music so much!   I can be in a piss poor, foul, mood and having the worst day and then "Photograph" or "Shake it off" come on the radio and I am instantly transformed into a happier, lighter, better, version of myself!   My kids know this to be true.  My husband believes in this; in fact, he believes  so deeply we are actually planning a super cool, hard core, 12-hour road trip to see Ed in D.C. for my birthday just so I will be in a good mood for the occasion!  It is the last time I get to turn 30 something so it is kind of a big deal!!!  The only thing that could improve the occasion would be if Taylor showed up to sing, "I just want to know you better" with Ed for my special day!!!!  That would be the absolute BEST!!!

Oh and by the way, I really hope there is never a term Swieran or Taylor"Ed" but seriously these are two of my most favoritest artistist/musicians. And they are both cat people too. And having worked in the animal welfare industry for over a decade this fact is very important.  Cat people never really relate well to us dog people!  I love my cat too though don't get me wrong.  Gus is an amazingly social cat and I love him dearly, but alas I am still a dog person at heart! And they are both so down to earth for famous people. Seriously. Down. To. Earth.

And their music, yes their music, just speaks to my heart and soul. So if they ended up together that would be so cool, but a term should never be created to describe them together because they are both such unique and awesome individuals.  They are both so damn special and becoming TaylorEd or Swieran would be disastrous!

 That is all.

PS Oh and I still hate television and I still believe Chester, my chest freezer, somehow reproduces asexually which continues to challenge me in the realm of emptying his contents.

PPS I invited Ed to sing the national anthem at Brainy Day 5K in August!  I sent him a message on his facebook page so I am pretty sure I will get to meet him then, but otherwise September for sure!

Vern out